taking happy back

my previous post was depressing, and, really, sweeping my arm out and sprinkling the world with bits and pieces of my depression wasn’t such a nice thing to do, what with christmas just past and a shiny, new year just in. hence, another entry. a happier one, hopefully.

also, a couple of cups of coffee and a couple of hours spent browsing through other people’s cheery blogs have put me in a slightly improved frame of mind. meaning, while i am not yet ready to burst into song at any moment, i will also not instantly grab the nearest heavy object and throw it at someone who does an impromptu happy dance.

i recently learned about smile therapy from a good friend. from what i understood, what you do, essentially, is fake a smile until it becomes real. apparently, your body can’t tell if your smile is genuine or not so it still releases endorphins, serotonin and natural painkillers, making you feel good and, well, not depressed anymore.

so, i figured, maybe i’ll do a blog version of the smile therapy and write about happy things.

my personal happy for the past few months is easily my son. he’s nine months old now and is never still. alvin and i come home each day to bright, mischievous eyes and a small playful smile hovering over his lips.

photo 8

truthfully, i still don’t fully understand how grumpy me could’ve produced such a smiley little boy, but i am grateful.

so i hurry home to him everyday and beat my husband through the front door so i get to smother him with hugs and kisses first, and i get rewarded with happy smiles and baby squirms, and then he’s off again, seeming to be in multiple places at once: crawling across the floor, standing by the sofa bed, pulling himself up next to the side table.

and it is then, in those fleeting moments, my nose buried behind my son’s ear, breathing in his scent, my arms struggling to contain his nine-month-old excitement, my eyes drinking the sight of his face glowing with delight, that i find little pockets of happiness so clear it makes the struggle of breaking free of the humdrum of everyday worth it.

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humdrum

i’ve been feeling off lately.¬†floating between happy and sad. calm and annoyed. content and restless.

like i’m sandwiched between marshmallows. moving in slow motion yet unable to pause, barely able to breathe. there’s¬†white noise constantly humming in my ear that i can’t seem to turn off.

generic. like something that came out of a factory assembly line, dutifully waking up, doing chores, going to work. marching right along the other hundreds of thousands just like me: faces forward, one foot in front of the other. never wondering, never questioning. each interchangeable with the other.

i need to be where there’s sun.