simpler times

let me start with the disclaimer that i love my son. i love him with such intensity tears literally fill my eyes when i try to put what i feel into words because my heart is unable to contain the emotion.

i am grateful every day that i am his mother.

given that, today, mother’s day, i miss *not* being a mother.

i miss not being responsible for another life. i miss the luxury of dawdling over dinner with friends after work. i miss having adult conversations.

i miss watching movies with my husband. i miss eating a meal *with* him (no, being at the table at the same time while one of you feeds the kid does not count). i miss actually having sex when the urge hits.

i miss sleeping in. i miss sleeping through the night. i miss going to bed when i want to.

most of all, i miss not being so emotionally full all the time.

i miss not wanting to burst into tears every time i see a homeless child. i miss not wanting to commit murder each time i hear about an irresponsible parent. i miss not being consumed by paralysing fear when i think about not being able to provide for my son.

i miss not needing to hurry home because my heart hurts to be away from him. i miss not having my happiness hinge on hearing his delighted laughter.

i miss not needing to feel his weight on my arms, to breathe in his scent, to constantly reassure myself that he is real.

i love my son with such force it reduces me to a helpless ball. but i miss.

Advertisements


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s